Positives

Day 53 and counting.

*When I wake up in the morning, my mouth doesn’t taste horrendous. And after I brush my teeth, it actually feels clean and stays that way. My mouth used to taste like something was rotting inside me, no matter if I used mouthwash multiple times.

*My hair feels like silk and my skin is soft and not splotchy.

*My eyes are bright and clear.

*My food experiences are vastly different and it’s fun to find out how they keep changing. I used to eat so heavy all the time, i.e., hangover food. Now I crave fruit, sandwiches, vegetables and soups for lunch and well rounded dinners. Not every day, but they’re at least in the mix. And everything tastes really good. I’m also eating at somewhat normal times, dinner usually by 8:30.

*I crave something sweet now about once a day. Even chocolate tastes good again. No longer does it leave a horrible aftertaste in my mouth or a bad feeling in my stomach, both elements as a result of sugar overload, I presume, since alcohol is a lot of sugar when broken down in the system.

*My sleep is deep and restful. It feels great. I am, however, tired much of the time. From what I’ve read, this will pass.

*I am so friendly to all my coworkers, friendlier than I’ve been in years. I think they’re all wondering what the fuck happened to me… though my boss first guessed what was wrong with me in 2005, and I know he must also realize what is now right with me. Smart man. Forgiving man. I should be grateful.

*I am able to get out and about socially without any regard to times, or driving arrangements, or whether or not I will have the energy. I love this.

*I can go outside without sunglasses and my eyes don’t burn like mad.

*I am re-learning how to cook, sober. Some people I already told this to… everything I ever posted on my food blog? I cooked it drunk. I always cooked drunk and always needed a recipe to follow. Now I can be so much more creative with my passion and it excites me.

*I am able to plan a weekly menu, lunches and dinners, and stick to it because I know I won’t be too drunk to cook or too hungover to want what I made for the next day. Damn, I wasted a lot of food.

*I’ve probably saved about $1,300 on alcohol and cigarettes (still smoking, but not nearly as much).

*Time is passing at a normal rate again. The first weekend felt like an *eternity* of free time. So cool. It’s the difference between remembering every moment and every day going by like a drunken blur.

*I can look people in the eye when I speak to them. I don’t just mean my close friends or family, though certainly that has improved. I mean my boss, my coworkers, cashiers, random people in line at stores who chat me up. I no longer walk with my head down or avoid eye contact. I always did that before because I felt like people could tell. They could see the shame inside, and they could see how run down I was on the outside. So I thought. I have found through talking to friends that this wasn’t actually the case, but self-perception is a bitch.

*I smile at myself in the mirror, often. Hee.

*Last night, I went through the entire evening with no anxiety, the way I was so long ago, thinking I was a totally fucking awesome human being and even that Steve was lucky to be with me. Hell. Yes.

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7 thoughts on “Positives

  1. Thank you for commenting Anon. I may not post very often, but I do hope to make this a journal of sorts, whether about sobriety or not. Thanks for reading.

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  2. This is a wonderful blog. My father was an alcoholic and 3 of my marriages failed due to my husbands' drinking and abusing.

    I'm so happy you're blogging about it and on the path of happiness.

    Your frankness and honesty is wonderful, and I wish you much success.

    I used to live in Orange County (Laguna Beach to be exact), so I'm pretty familiar with where you live – I hope you can not just enjoy your cooking, but spend some time on the beach enjoying the beauty of the area, as you work through your drinking issues. Diane

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  3. Much appreciated Diane. I can use all the encouragement that comes my way.

    And I definitely enjoy where I live. Getting out and about on the weekends around here, not hungover, is a continual motivation, for sure!

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  4. And I forgot to say – focusing on the positives is wonderful. I know it's hard for us to do. I have to do it all the time with my no smoking. It's much easier to be drawn into the negative. Kudos to you.

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