Again

I have had a really hard time not drinking this past three nights. I don’t know why. But each evening I’ve been on edge, mind racing, debating, until I get dinner on the table, after which drinking is not – and never was – an option. Drinking always had to come before, of course, so I could feel the drunk for all it was worth before putting food in my stomach. That’s why I always cooked drunk these past few years and why I ate so late. Ugh. My health. But I guess the upshot is since I let that be the pattern for years, the urge vanishes entirely once I eat dinner. A saving grace.

As some of you lurking/reading this know, I have not stayed sober the entire 107 days since the night of March 8. I drank on Monday 5/10 and again on Friday 5/14 and on through the 19th when my mom came to town for my 35th birthday. She left 4 days later and then I drank all but about 5 days for the following 4 weeks. And here I am again. 1 week sober tomorrow.

I really don’t know why these last few days have been so rough for that first couple of hours between work and food. What has stopped me is being honest with myself about how the vodka would taste terrible, as always, and how the vodka would burn my stomach, and how much I want to feel peaceful and calm and healthy and proud of myself. I know that drinking would not make my night better. It would only make it a point of shame tomorrow morning.

A positive note – I’m pretty chipper about the fact that I did not berate myself for drinking. I wasn’t happy about it, obviously, but I did not let myself fall into a mental hole. At the very least, I suppose I’m grateful that I proved to myself that I cannot drink normally, drink socially.

But I did have a distinct moment that jolted me out of it. About two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and my first thought was “I hate myself.” Yikes. It was like a big flashing red “DANGER” sign in my head. The thought came out of fucking nowhere. And I was amazed at how easily I went back to that after only 4 weeks of more alcohol. It startled me awake.

There will be no going back to that dark place for me. I refuse. I deserve better. And I will persevere.

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10 thoughts on “Again

  1. Good for you, Melissa! I thought of your last post quite a few times this week – about how different a morning feels (physically, emotionally) when you're not drinking. Drinking exerts a strong pull some nights, but those mornings of clarity and peace and calm … I think they're even stronger.

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  2. Hi Melissa. I just discovered your blog some days ago. I too struggle with the thought that I do not have a problem. But if I am always contemplating whether I have a problem or not…doesn't that say something??
    How are you doing so far?

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  3. Hey Immy. Thanks for commenting. You're right and I've thought that as well. If I have to ask… yeah.

    I'm okay. I drank over the weekend and then was sober for three more days and then drank last night. Terrible hangover this morning. I'm determined to stay positive though. No beating myself up.

    I have a friend who is 12 years sober who tells me “every sober day is a win.” I try to keep that in mind and be proud of myself when I even go a few days.

    So here I go again. And again, until I get it.

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