I was proud of myself today.
I had a nasty surprise when I came out from the deli where I met my friend for lunch. I got in my car and saw that something had hit my windshield (probably on the freeway on the way over) and there was a growing crack in the glass.
My first reaction was “what the fuck?!?” I clenched my jaw and started driving back to my office, frowning and muttering to myself all the while. I was thinking about how much it was going to cost to fix it, how we don’t have that money to spend on top of our vacation.
But something strange happened about halfway through the drive. I stopped frowning, I relaxed in my seat and I said to myself “okay, it’s going to be what it’s going to be, you can’t change what happened now, just accept whatever you have to pay for it and move on.”
Very unusual for me. I am so accustomed to becoming, and staying, angry/annoyed/bitchy/negative that this was a strange feeling. It was so out of character for me, in fact, that Steve really did not know how to take it when I called to tell him. I was so calm and nonchalant about the damn thing he thought maybe I wasn’t telling him the whole story. I laughed. I said “no, I am just so calm these days and have no desire NOT to be that I am just taking it in stride.”
It’s hard to believe I have spent so many years being angry and sad. That little black cloud over my head was comforting to me. That doesn’t make any sense, now, standing outside of it, but I know that was the case. I felt I deserved it, I felt it belonged there, and so I kept feeding it more negativity – beating myself up mentally every day for being a stupid drunk loser and then taking that out on other people, either by raging on the road or becoming irritated at every perceived slight or offense. My god, how horribly exhausting it all was.
It’s arguably a small thing, that I stayed serene and happy today, but I didn’t think it was small at all. It’s another step toward letting that loving, joyful, peaceful woman I am shine through. It was awesome.