Silence

I love silence. Sometimes I spend entire evenings bathed in it. Since I have no kids (a topic for another time) and no loud animals (okay, sometimes my cat gets quite vocal), there is nothing to really create much noise in my home life. When Steve is in the back of the house and I am in the front, which is how we usually – happily – spend 50 percent of each evening, I am left in complete silence, if I choose. And I do. And it’s bliss.

When I was drinking, I couldn’t stand to be in silence. I had to have the TV on in the background, I had to be on the phone, talk talk talking away. I had to be doing something, anything, all the time. There was never quiet with drunkenness, always there was noise and motion, even if it was only in my head. Especially when it was only in my head. I used to wake up some mornings, immediately try to recall the previous evening, and get this flash of NOISE in my brain. Nothing clear, nothing quiet.

But that is no longer true. The last 102 days have been full of silence. Meditative silence.

Not drinking is the greatest thing I have ever done for myself. It’s something I have to choose every single day, but it is worth making that right choice over and over again. I’ve been struggling with esteem issues this last few weeks, but I just keep doing the next right thing each day, and it’s all I can do. And at the very least, I have reclaimed my precious, beautiful silence.

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6 thoughts on “Silence

  1. Silence, I cherish it too. It's amazing how much more I can accomplish and how much less stressed I feel when I can find some time filled with nothing but peace and quiet when I can focus and really concentrate on whatever is on my mind.

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  2. Good for you, M.

    Add me to the list. I love quiet and get so little of it anymore. Chaos makes me edgy. I don't like loud noises or the constant din of background sounds like the TV or conversations outside my window. I avoid people who talk too much. I do my best thinking in silence.

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  3. Jess, it's more that, for me, I always loved silence, even when I was a kid and drinking made me lose it. Even when I had no TV on, there was a barrage of noise in my head. It's hard to explain. But now the noise is gone and so, to emphasize that, I also leave the TV and music off and just bask in it. I value it more than I ever have. 🙂

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