Versus

I used to wake up thinking… holy shit how am I going to make it through the morning, my eyes hurt, I feel vomity, I look like hell.

When I got up this morning, my first thought was how much I was looking forward to my day, to working out later, to making another wonderful no recipe dinner, to hanging out with Steve, sober.

9:00 in the evening used to mean I was about three quarters of the way in to the drunk I would achieve for the night, nothing had been done, my house was full of chaos and noise, and I was likely finishing or in the middle of a phone conversation I would only half remember (if I was lucky) the next day.

It’s 9:00 now. I exercised for an hour after work, dinner has been cooked and eaten, laundry done, dishes washed, lunch made for tomorrow. My cat is purring by my side and my husband is waiting for me on the couch.

I used to beat myself up so hard every day. I was so full of shame and anger and regret. Every day, so miserable.

Most of the time, I am happy and at peace. Content. Sometimes I’m also tired, frustrated or irritable. I’m human. But nothing cannot be dealt with now that alcohol is out of the picture.

It amazes me how much has changed in 16 weeks. What “used to be” seems like a dream. I have to work to keep it that way, but it sure is lovely to stop and reflect on it too. The comparison up there is astounding, at least to me.

Life is good. And I am grateful.

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