Disordered

A couple of Fridays ago, someone brought donuts to the office. Two huge boxes. All day I avoided them, diligently, thinking I was being so “good.” But. But I thought about them all day. 20 minutes before quitting time, I went in there and stared at them. There were 7 left uneaten. I couldn’t let them go to waste, right? So I ate them. Yes, all 7 of them. I couldn’t seem to stop. And I felt terrible for hours after.

I am deeply joyful most of the time and so grateful to be living this happy, healthy, clear and clean life. However, while I wish I could tell you that I am obsession- and compulsion-free, I am not. I am not immune. Like many other beautiful, strong women I see here, I fight disordered thinking when it comes to food. I don’t struggle every day, but when I do, it’s rough. Moderation and control become foreign concepts. All I can do to try to combat it is eat a lot of healthy snacks to keep me going, and cook my little heart out, which is not only frugal and delicious and nutritious… and makes me feel mentally and creatively accomplished… but also allows me to eat a significant amount more food for a significant amount less calories than I would otherwise. That’s the truth. It’s just another important reason I do what I do. I’m just lucky I also happen to love doing it.

I find it painfully fascinating that the thought processes I have regarding binge eating are no different than the disordered thinking that I experienced all the years  I was drunk. The cycle of out-of-control intake, knowing it’s wrong and bad for me but doing it anyway, remorse, then shame, then punishment: it’s all the same. One day, I will get to the root of it. For now, I simply do the best I can to love myself and take care of myself, every day.

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