No Specific Reason

For feeling not quite right.

For this entire week, I have had a vague, generalized feeling of (in this order) insecurity, anger, anxiety and sadness. There is no specific reason for it. I can point to small things here and there – my coworker who has been suddenly un-chatty with me all week (why? did I do something?), argument with my mom (who always makes me rage-y) – but nothing that should cause this overall drop in my level of confidence or joyful energy.

Yet, there it is, and it stinks. It manifests clearly during my runs because I don’t run with music and it’s nothing but me and my thoughts out there. I’ve been relaxed and strong and running well physically, and still happy to be out there, but my brain is muddled with negative feelings about other stuff the entire way. It makes me unfocused. I don’t like it.

I also tend to get mad at myself because I think I should now be immune to these things, these phases. I have so much to be happy about: Steve, my friends, our great jobs (he just got a significant promotion this week, too!), running, cooking, our beautiful still-new house. When I find myself falling into this weird state, I have to constantly enumerate all those things in my head, or out loud to Steve, to remind myself there is nothing about which to worry or feel unhappy.

Still. I battle it best I can, but it still clouds up my head from time to time. I suppose I can’t expect, even after all this time, that I have completely recovered from the many years I spent training my brain to chemically misfire (alcoholism-induced depression, anxiety, paranoia). It is what it is.

And lastly, It probably doesn’t help that instead of spending time with Steve in the evenings this week, I’ve holed myself up in the office every night, playing games and listening to music and letting my brain run rampant. I should know better than to isolate when I feel like this. Steve is my steady place, my safe haven and easily the biggest influence in pulling myself out of these funks. Tomorrow, we will be spending the entire day and evening together, 5 hours of it in a car round trip. That should be good.


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