Tonight on the way back from the range, I talked to Steve about something that’s been bothering me since yesterday morning. I don’t want to specify, but it’s something that comes back to eat away at me every six months or so, that gets triggered unexpectedly, something decades old.
I got reminded of it out of the blue around 9 AM yesterday. Total surprise. I felt like I got punched in the gut. I fell into a storming crying rage inside my mind and chest and stomach and then I thought… I have to let it go, forget about it.
But. I got really furious at Steve yesterday over something ridiculous. Went off like a crazy person for a good 20 minutes. I realize now it was likely that deep hurt and rage leaking out.
So tonight, I found myself thinking of it again and realized that I have a loving husband I can talk to about anything and I didn’t need to keep bearing it myself. He’s heard about it before and I always think he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore, but that’s ridiculous. I get so caught up in my own mind and think I need to cope with everything alone, to be tough. I am tough, but that doesn’t mean Steve can’t help ease the hurt. I don’t know why I hesitate to let him.
So I talked. By the time I was done I was choked up pretty badly but I felt unburdened. Lighter. Clearer.
I need to stop always trying to hold myself up by myself. Being capable of it doesn’t always mean it’s required. That’s part of what having a husband-best friend is for.
As for the issue itself: I still need to find a way to let the hurt go. I haven’t figured it out. It’s one of those situations where there will never be any satisfactory resolution and there will be no forthcoming amends from either of the people who hurt and disappointed me so badly. It’s a tough one. At some point I have to let it go, though. I know I do.