Thought process the first half of my walk this morning:
Injury, PT, work, new COO coming, nervous, breathe, swing arms, oil changes, vet appointment, errands, breathe, walk, breathe, be nicer to Steve, stop with all the negative, remember new year’s goal, appreciate the good life right in front of you, be joyful, be present…
And just like that, I realized I had gone a couple of miles hardly aware of the ground beneath my feet, the gorgeous weather, the bliss of sweating outdoors. Startled, I stopped my mind short and thought:
Be Here Now.
Be Here. Now.
Be. Here. Now.
Even in thinking it, I let my mind flit away to my dad saying that to me, or reading it in books, until I realized I was wandering off yet again and reined myself in.
Be. Here. Now.
And something happened in that moment. I looked up, looked around me, and saw everything more clearly than I had in months. It was like looking through a blurry lens and then, suddenly, everything came into sharp focus. I noticed the wind and the smell in the air and the growing leaves on the trees that line my streets.
I was fully present in that moment.
And then I felt fear – the fear that comes when I am ashamed because I have stumbled and wandered far off the mental and spiritual path that I know to be the way, the fear that comes from not wanting to face my own terrible behavior, fear entwined with embarrassment and regret because I have not been the best human being/wife/friend that I can be these days. Not even close.
But I didn’t wallow in it. I immediately told myself something I learned long ago when I got sober: regret is a waste. It doesn’t matter what I did yesterday or last week or last month. It only matters what I do today. The people who love me are very forgiving. I need to be more forgiving of myself. And it is never too late to learn and relearn and do better and be better.
So for today, that is my focus: be here now. Be happy. Be the best version of myself that I can be. And tomorrow I will renew that focus. And so on. It’s all I can do.