I am not going to do a bullet list recap like I did last year. I am just going to be blunt and honest and not self-edit.
I had so many running goals at the beginning of 2014, both in distance and time, and all those dreams died with the onset of my injuries. I spent five months of this year in horrible pain, pain that can never be conveyed through the words I leave here, pain the size of which only I and Steve really saw. I still choke up when I talk about it.
Even with returning to running this fall and doing the best I can, I am not anywhere near being able to hit the goals I set for myself a year ago. I don’t know how much time I am looking at to get that fast and strong again, but I am guessing another year.
I know all of this shouldn’t make me feel like a failure, but it does. It hurts. Steve, wise Steve, tells me that failure would have been never getting back out there again, even once I was capable. He tries to get me to focus on how hard I fought for the work I did, considering how injured I was. He also says we are smarter now and won’t let this happen again and it is important that we learned the lesson. He is right. But it still hurts.
Running aside, I didn’t fare much better elsewhere, goal-wise. I maintained my physical strength (I stayed SUPER consistent with strength/PT exercises all year!), but did not get leaner; in fact, I am probably 10 pounds heavier right now than I was a year ago, due to both running less and yet not eating like I am running less. This makes me feel like a failure, too. I know it shouldn’t. Steve says that’s a silly way to gauge success and failure as a person, and he’s right, again. But I feel it anyway. I even cried about it the other day, right before we took this picture.
And don’t get me started on my emotional and spiritual goals. “Let go. Stop worrying. Relax. Laugh more. BE HAPPY.” Not even close. I am worse now than I was a year ago. I have been angry and sad so much of the time and almost all of that gets vented onto Steve. The rest overflows to my coworkers, then my mom, my sister, my friends. I’ve been miserable to myself and miserable to everyone else and so tightly wound – absolutely no fun to be around, and not easy to love.
My rage even spilled over to tumblr. Multiple times this year, I rejected and alienated people who tried to offer me advice and guidance because I am so stubborn beyond all reason, my ego so inflated and out-of-control, I cannot accept that I don’t know everything and that I need help.
All that said. 2014 had some high points. I rekindled a deep love for hiking and being in the woods. I rediscovered archery after putting it aside for long run training. I started hunting and realized what that meant to me in terms of physical, mental, and spiritual nourishment. And all of those activities bound Steve and I closer together.
And though we may not have achieved all our financial goals this year, I did get a hefty raise and found out that starting in the new year, I will have an assistant (!) and a job title change. All exciting and positive things.
So I may feel a bit broken and certainly regretful, but I am not hopeless. I am never hopeless. Not since my drinking days have I felt anything less than essentially optimistic, no matter how many mistakes I make. I can always get up and try again. New year, new goals, hit refresh. It’s all going to be okay.
2015 goals coming in a separate post.