So remember my post about vulnerability? And how at the end I said I am working on it? Well, Angel’s post this morning reminded me: I AM working on it. I wasn’t just talking the talk this time. This week has been proof of that.
For the fourth day in a row, I feel physically and mentally drained, tired, emotional, manic, and needy. There is no singular reason; it’s just been a tough, busy, noisy week. But miraculously, I have remained in a happy mood, every minute, every hour, every day. For four whole days. Not one moment of storm clouds over my head. I don’t know if any of you realize what a big deal that is for me.
And all it took was some conscious effort. Every time I felt the urge to hold on to the stress, to do that thing where I walk in tense solitude, letting anger, annoyance, and resentment build, then unleash it on Steve later, I have instead breathed deeply, remained calm, and articulated my thoughts, frustrations, and needs to him instead.
I have allowed him to be my leaning post and I don’t think I need to elaborate how much he stepped up to the plate. There is no question he is there for me. All I need to do is LET him be there for me.
Granted, this stuff is only one area of my life in which vulnerability comes into play. I want to become more okay with the words “I don’t know.” I want to be more fully ME with my friends, willing to be fragile and imperfect with them – and with you all here in this space. But the issues with Steve are the biggest and affect my day-to-day life the most. And if this week is any indication, my behavior is far from hopeless or unmanageable.
A step in the right direction.