Keeping Friends

A friend of mine just posted this on Facebook and all I could think was “not me.” I lost my oldest friend almost three years ago. I knew her for 30 years, but we simply became too different in too many fundamental ways that we fractured apart. So, no longer can I say I’ve had, or will have, someone with me through all stages.

Is that bad? I don’t even know. But it did get me thinking that maybe there’s something wrong with me because I don’t keep friends forever. I know part of it is me. I don’t make enough effort. I am self-centered. I rank people in my life and prioritize them in my brain as though some are more special than others. That’s probably not a very kind or proper way of looking at people. I also put certain ones on pedestals, which is unhealthy, because they will inevitably fall off of it. And I am also willing to close doors and walk away, black and white, no turning back – out of fear of vulnerability and the need to control and have the power in my relationships.

I’m sure some of it is them, too. We are all only human after all. But whatever it is, it seems I cannot keep friends close – really, really close – for more than a few years. Eventually, the excitement and joy of initial connection dies down and we either drift away or we become long-term “moderate” friends – i.e., closer than acquaintances, but never as close as we were in the early days, months, years. I wonder if it will always be this way, or if I will ever truly have long-term best friends.

And like I said, I don’t even know if that’s good or bad. Or neither. Maybe it’s just me. And that’s okay. Maybe.

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