I have stopped counting calories. I have not logged my daily intake since February 19 and I have deleted my Excel sheet both at work and at home. I am trying to stop myself from doing it in my head from habit/memory and am succeeding about 50% of the time right now. I’m sure that will improve with time.
I made a goal at the beginning of the year to:
“Care less about calories and about my weight. Fully accept that I am beautiful and perfect just as I am, even if I never lose that other ten pounds again. Steve has already been helping me with this one. So much.”
At the time, I mentioned to a couple of people that it was part of a bigger year or two-year long goal to stop counting calories. I didn’t think I was ready to do it yet. But, a few things changed my mind:
- Vacation in California. The inference here is that I was so content and happy that counting calories seemed insignificant. That was a small part of it. A bigger part of it was that I decided not to count calories while I was there because I was eating so much damn great food that I didn’t even want to know. Regardless of the reason, I went that week of not doing the counting and it was a decent kickstart to the process.
- Right at the end of my vacation, I got this Daily Om called “Throw Away Your Scale.” I actually threw away my scale years ago, but I read the entry with “counting calories” in place of “weighing yourself” and it was like a lightbulb went off. The fundamental truth is that I can determine how healthy I am by my own instincts, by how I nourish myself, my energy level, my mental clarity, my strength and agility. I do not need a scale or a calorie log to tell me what I already know inside.
- A reminder from the universe about what matters: my feelings about my body and appearance have been all over the place since my vacation. Not running doesn’t help, but I have been so exhausted this week that I have barely gotten out of bed to go to work, much less run most days. Then on Wednesday morning, as I struggled with whether or not to put on my running shoes and get out the door, I got this Note from the Universe: “Good looks, Melissa, have little to do with one’s body and everything to do with one’s mind. Here’s looking at you, The Universe. P.S. It also helps to get enough sleep, Melissa.” I swear that site reads my mind sometimes. I went back to bed.
- A gift from Steve: on Wednesday afternoon, we were having one of our after work cuddle and talk times and he was staring at my face for a second and suddenly said “you really are SO beautiful.” And I just went silent and smiled… aaaand then started crying. It was like, for a brief intense moment, I saw myself as he sees me – truly beautiful, just as I am, right now. And that is how I want to see myself.
Counting calories, worrying about my weight and appearance, berating myself for not running or for eating too much – these are all tied together and they are nothing but a big pile of meaningless garbage. This is no way to spend a life. My worth to myself and to others has nothing to do with any of that. I used to know this when I was young. It’s time I start living that way again.